New Month Blues

Today, I woke up troubled.

It is a new month, you are supposed to be enthusiastic, all prayerful and excited for what the new month brings.

So I feel bad for this overpowering feeling, hymns are my go-to in times like this…I am listening to an amazing hymnal playlist, riding with my director to set and trying not to also dampen the excitement for the new shoot.

I have tried pinpointing the cause and trigger of this feeling, there is only one reason I have managed to figure out, even when I think it is not enough and I have moved on from it.

The year has been a wild ride, one minute I am excited about opportunities, the next I am overthinking and worrying.

I am working on more films this year, I wrote this down at the beginning of the year that I wanted to… I am more grateful for the kind of stories coming my way.

You see, the problem is in my field of work, even when we pretend the gender gap isn’t crucial to hiring, I have seen it subtly affect decisions of being hired, most recently is the one that was shoved to my face.

For someone whose life is revolved around work, I find myself constantly thinking and being affected by people’s decisions about my work or working with me.

I have my set ambitions about where I want to be, I am not even close yet. I find myself questioning if I am still on the path, if I want to stay on the path and also embracing whatever comes with it even if it mentally affects me.

I am in my transitioning phase (this is what I like to call it), currently running away from shooting more documentaries because I feel I have been boxed into doing this well.

I always feel I have the potential to be more than that, I am embracing shooting more films, this is currently where my happiness is.

Recently, my friends were discussing cinematographers in Nollywood and they mentioned my name, this made me feel accepted. Problem is, it has always not been so, I have always felt like an outsider in an industry I also felt was home. It was complicated. I have done less film projects than this brilliant friends/colleagues, but it felt good to be honest.

You know when you think you have to do more work to be accepted, and you have people who have probably done less or do not have to over-pitch to be considered. It is tiring.

I have always felt the need to constantly always work to prove myself. I won the AMVCA this year, one of my favourite highlights of the year, but despite the awards and accolades, I still feel the need to always prove myself to deserve a seat at the table.

One minute…I am all excited and playful, the next; I am overthinking decisions, my line of career, the concept of death, etc.

Here is to more fights in my transitioning phase, embracing the challenges that comes with it, and listening to more hymns.

Btw, I am currently listening to ‘It is well with my soul’ performed by Hillsong.